Wuzhi Linyi City, Shandong Province
In
the spring of 2006, I was stripped of my position as leader and sent
back to where I had come from because I was considered too much of a
“yes-man.” When I first got back, I plunged into a crucible of torment
and agony. I never thought that after years of leadership things would
go downhill on account of being a “yes-man.” This was the end for me, I
thought, everyone familiar with me would know of my failure and I would
be held up as a bad example in the church. How could I face others after
all this? The more I thought, the more negative I became, until I
finally lost the faith to continue seeking the truth. However, when I
thought of all the sacrifices and expenditures I had made in these past
few years, I couldn’t bring myself to quit. If I completely write myself
off and accept failure, won’t all my efforts be for naught? Won’t
people then think even less of me? I can’t let that happen! I’ve got to
stand up for myself and not let others look down their noses at me. Now,
no matter how hard I must try, how many wrongs I suffer, I’ve got to
buck up—I can’t quit halfway! As long as I remember the lessons of
failure and focus on seeking the truth, maybe one day I can become a
leader again. With these thoughts in mind, all the negativity and
sadness faded and I felt a renewed energy in my pursuit.
From
that moment onward, I put in long hours every day, actively eating and
drinking God’s word to equip myself with truth while reflecting and
making insight into my past transgressions. I wrote countless essays
detailing my experience of life, as well as sermons. A while later, when
I saw that two of my essays had been selected, I felt even more faith
in my pursuit. I thought to myself: Just keep working and soon enough my
dream will become a reality. In that way, I continued in my pursuit and
felt comforted that my condition had more or less returned to “normal.”
One day during spiritual cultivation, I was drawn to a certain passage of God’s word: “If
you are to understand yourself, you must understand your true
situation; the most important thing in understanding your own situation
is to have a grasp on your own thoughts and ideas. In every time period,
people’s thoughts have been controlled by one major thing; if you can
get a hold of your thoughts, you can get a hold of the thing behind them”
(“People Who Always Have Requirements for God Are the Least Reasonable”
in Records of Christ’s Talks). Thinking over God’s word, I suddenly
turned the question back on myself: What dominates my thoughts now? What
lies behind all my thoughts? I began to carefully reflect on my thought
process and, with God’s guidance, came to realize that ever since I had
been replaced, my thoughts had been dominated by the desire that “I
must wrest back my former reputation and status and stand up for myself.
I can’t keep being looked down upon by others.” This thought had been
like a spiritual pillar, allowing me to persevere through the crucible
of my own despair and giving me the drive to pursue my goal. With this
thought in mind, I had remained “staunch and unyielding” under the
constant barrage of “insults and humiliation.” At this moment, I
realized that my pursuit was impure, full of desire and not in the least
bit positive.
Thinking back, I see that God had exposed me to
allow me to reflect on myself and understand my own satanic nature so
that I could be grounded and forthright in my pursuit of truth, cast of
evil and sin and receive the salvation of God. However, I certainly did
not thank God for His gift of salvation, nor did I hate myself for the
evils I committed. What’s more, I didn’t reproach myself or feel
repentant for failing to live up to God’s hopes. Rather, driven by the
arrogant nature that “I must prevail at any cost,” I poured myself into
the scheming of this plot, thinking only of the day when I would rise
again, be reanointed as a leader, and regain the reputation that I had
so thoroughly damaged. Effectively, I was hoping to rebuild a satanic
image of myself for others to admire and worship. Clearly, I had grand
ambitions—so grand that I was willing to go fist for fist against God to
the very end. I was arrogant in the extreme and had not the least bit
of reverence or fear for God in my heart. Reflecting back on my former
state, I felt the hair stand up on my neck. I never would have imagined
that such wild ambition lay behind my thoughts. No wonder God said, “if you can get a hold of your thoughts, you can get a hold of the thing behind them.”
Indeed. In the past, I viewed my thoughts as fleeting notions and never
took the time to analyze and understand them. Only now do I understand
that grasping one’s thoughts and actively analyzing the things held deep
within one’s heart is of grave importance to understand one’s inner
nature!
Thank God for this enlightenment, which has lifted me out
of blindness. If not, I would still be hoodwinked by my own
falsity—careening forth with blind ambition toward my own imminent
demise. How incredibly scary! In the process, I also realized that in
replacing me, God was protecting me and granting me salvation. For
someone with such arrogance and mad ambition, if I had not gone through
the tormenting crucible of God’s chastisement and judgment, I would
invariably become an antichrist and invite my own demise. Dear God, I
vow to abandon all wrongful pursuits, turn away from my arrogance and
ambition and obey Your every command. I will pursue the truth in
earnestness, fulfill my every duty and live as a real and true person to
comfort Your heart.
from Testimonies of Experience of Christ’s Judgment
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